Frozen thoughts chained with a past I can’t forget; erasing memories is a process happening at a glacial pace. Circle residents collaborate with the pen and paper, providing a gateway, my form of escapism. Staying true to character, trying my best to please those who have my back, little by little however, I find ‘regret’ emblazoned on the majority, leaving me with the minority. Lurking behind corners, shadows with gargantuan appetites for my demise propel verbal missiles with the intent of revenge. Nothing would please these cloaked figures more than seeing me fall into a pit of stalagmites. Rumors spread and circulate like tornadoes, ultimately, the truth is never mentioned. Finding out that someone you thought you could count on was using your personal downfalls to update their gossip article. The emotional scale does not border on sadness. Anger surfaces in the pool of emotions for being naive, falling in the same pit, again.
My principle, picking positives within the negatives; the realization that it is only through these tough times that credibility is put to the test. An indirect filter for a social circle filled with uncertainty.
From a glance,
she had me fixating.
The first glimpse marked the beginning,
The spark, that has me melting
A puddle of obsession.
The healer of my heart,
Like stars in the sky,
She has me gazing,
For what seems like hours
Each glance feels renewed
My thoughts consumed
By the one, the only
Atop the tower
Sweetening the sour
With her smile
She has me
At a glance, smiling right back.
Never give up, Don’t quit, it takes time, but keep at it.
Neither ally nor friend. A lack of policies, ruling with an iron-fist, a crown fit for one king; tyranny that revokes negotiation. Seamless movement during good or bad times, wish to go back and undo something? Good-luck with that. The pace is determined by the Autocrat; rules meant to be followed, not changed. Moving faster when joy is to be had, decelerate when agony is abound. Does it care how you feel? Wait for it to answer that.
Boasting by the minute, a pendulum moving left and right, reminding you of the pace. Another day gone, the sun dawns, not for long, dusk sets in; subtle reminders of who’s in charge. Each fleeting moment, getting us closer to that moment we all ‘love’ so much; when we get acquainted with the tombstone that has a perfectly written epitaph.
A week full of frantic research, had to do an assignment which was due today. Balancing research for an assignment and my passion for writing poetry, a lot was surely taken out of me this week. I have a lot of material planned for my blog in the upcoming days; and another assignment ironically enough. There are also a few stories and poems already planned out, so you can look forward to that.
I’ve been to the past, I’m already back, the decision to go was made long before I had the ticket. Clinging to bits of my past, my memory is ensnared, addicted to the thought of fine tuning mistakes made in the precedent. I saw myself, surrounded by friends, looking care-free, embracing each moment. So naive, any greener and I would be one with nature. I could see the glimmer in my eyes, the way I looked at people, seeing a radiant light within strangers; no walls around me. I was done spectating, I needed to talk to myself; this was my long-awaited chance to right the wrongs I had made; making poor choices obsolete. A conversation in the mind with my past self, my only means of direct communication. I told him, without pause, to get hardened, to lower expectations, to blow out the well-lit candles I saw in strangers. Much to my surprise, he was not listening; his hands were in his ears.
Don’t you know who I am? I asked, only to get a gentle smile in response.
You need to listen to me, I’m here to help you. He told me he already knew that, but how? it did not make any sense. Six years ago, how could I have known that I would see myself?
“That’s easy, you’ve been here, five times to be exact”
Five times? How was that even possible, I only had one ticket.
“I’ve already said no four times, trust me, you’re not gonna change my mind” , he paused and smiled, “Besides, your times’ up”
-and just like that, I was back. Was it possible, that through five separate alternate realities I had opted to go back and change the past? and failed?
I sat down, trying to soak in what i had just witnessed. Maybe all along I had been looking at everything the wrong way; maybe I’ve been fooling myself from the start. I’m not stronger, I’m not more perceptive, I’m just broken. In a battle with life, i had fought multiple rounds, but lost. My past self, he was focused, repellent of negative thoughts, ready to take on anything and everything thrown at him.
All along, I had been thinking I’m fighting what life has to offer, but in truth, I was running away; unable to cope, accepting defeat. With such a realization I could not help but laugh at myself and how weak I had become. My views of a future self being wiser, just like the movies, had been watered down; never in a million years would I have thought I could learn something from my young and immature mind. Looking at myself in the mirror, I see a small glimmer in my eyes, its faint, but I see it returning. I’m smiling because I know what it means, I’m about to have one more battle round with life.
The moment which breaks the chain, a pattern you thought would stick, the moment your heart is used like a door mat, “welcome”. A singular moment that defines who you truly are, and what you’re capable of. Are you the kind of person, who will rally manifestations of that negative energy and use it as a weapon to quench your own need for revenge? Or is it just another learning experience, in which the battle isn’t totally lost, as you gained knowledge of how to avoid similar occurrences in the future?
Moments in which these bad events happen sometimes come in bits and pieces, like break intervals in a boxing match, giving us time to heal in-between. This isn’t the case all the time though, at times a bad moment can come with the force of an avalanche, looking to flatten what little humanity you have left precipitously. A moment, in which a relationship you thought was built on roses, turns out to be a game, and you’re just a pawn. Its a road constructed on moments. Beautiful beginnings, brutal realisations and unexpected outcomes; a labyrinth of unpredictable events that are waiting for us. All we can do is be ready for these moments by building formidable defense bunkers; because its through these kind of moments that we prove our worth, our resilience, our dedication as well as our will, to keep moving forward.
I only recently started blogging in an effort to share what i write with the world, the main aim was to escape my comfort zone and get to see what other people (besides my friends) thought about what i write. I needed to see what random people who don’t even know me would think; because i wasn’t sure if my friends were just trying to make me feel better. Having experienced what the blogosphere has to offer, i am not disappointed, in fact, i’m wondering why i didn’t start blogging much earlier. It has only been a few days and i feel right at home, the poems i’m seeing are truly awe inspiring, there is a lot of talent to be found here and i’m looking forward to reading what everyone has to say. The people are very welcoming, within the first few hours i felt accepted, i felt a strong sense of belonging as people told me they liked what i was writing.
To those following my blog, i’ll try my best not to disappoint; I put effort into each piece i write, every line is meant to captivate; no followers will be taken for granted. I look forward to seeing the comments, especially the criticisms; i believe telling me where i’m lacking is vital for my development as a writer, and i’ll always listen. Recently i was given the Liebster award and that made me feel good, i felt a strong urge to pick up the pen and attack pages of my drafting book ferociously. I plan to get to know more people, considering i’ll be here for a long time, the journey has only just begun.
Let the words flow, don’t force it.
An open mouth spews the wrong liquid.
Much like hydro-power,
Let the text drive the turbines.
Loosen your wrists as you harness drizzling thoughts;
You are in control.
Discern the muddled,
Eliminate the befuddled.
Pen strokes, shaping letters,
A different world where a few lines make a difference.
Leaving pages bedazzled,
Snares for the weary,
Exertion in exchange for a higher level of aesthetics;
Calm thoughts are the currency.
Thriving with consistency,
Minor changes in the flow;
Recalling multiple cogs of inspiration,
Fatigue is not an option, only an uninspired excuse.
From the clouds, water rains down,
At times, it runs-off;
But true to nature, it always goes back up.
I would like to thank Number the stars for nominating me for The Liebster Award. A great way for new bloggers to connect and interact with one another.
Here are the rules:
1. Link back to the blogger who nominated you.
2. Answer the 11 questions given to you by the blogger who nominated you.
3. Nominate 11 other bloggers with less than 200 followers.
4. Go to the blogs you nominated and notify them of your nomination.
5. Give your nominees 11 questions to answer.
Here are the answers to the questions Number the stars asked:
1. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?
My mornings are always so hazy, but if I was to take note of my most prevalent thoughts in the morning I would say my girlfriend (Dee-dee). Considering the fact that most of the time when I wake up the first thing I do is check my phone for any messages from her. In summary, the first thing I thought of this morning was my girlfriend.
2. Describe your regular day.
I wake up early for morning lessons, even though I stay on campus, I sometimes find myself arriving late for lessons; the irony. I keep in contact with my girlfriend and brother (Saad) over the phone through-out the course of the day. Occasionally, I visit my sister’s office to catch up on daily events; its always a blast. Other than that, if there are no major plans for the day, I play games online, watch movies, write or draw.
3. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Yes, I would like to be known as a good writer, someone who gives inspiration to prospective writers.
4. Name one fictional character that you could relate with.
Max Payne, definitely Max Payne. Not for his Alcohol abuse or how he treats pain-killers like Tic-tacs; mainly how he uses his inner monologue to answer questions being addressed verbally. He spends most of his time thinking and not speaking, i have a similar trait, though i highly doubt its as cool as his hahaha.
It doesn’t matter to me to be honest, i keep an open mind. I will admit, i would be shocked if a 70 year old man wanted to date a 15 year old girl. Otherwise i believe love is love, everyone is entitled to it.
6. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had?
This is a good one, i dreamt of myself at my college (Monash South Africa) , it was fused with my home in Moscow and a small chunk of my former high school. For some reason, everything made sense in the dream, like it had been like that for years. Oh, and another thing, for some reason, i couldn’t find my clothes. Noone could notice i was naked, talking to me like everything is normal. Apparently in that alternate reality i was a nudist.
7. If you can ask a psychic one question about the future, what will it be?
Will I fulfill the promise I made to my uncle
8. Name 5 things that give you pleasure.
Playing games, listening to music, writing (naturally), talking to my family and you know …
9. Do you agree that the end does not justify the means?
Yes, i consider ethics in most of the things i do; i’m prone to always take the super-hero route, its been a habit ever since i was a kid.
10. If you have to give someone a random piece of advice, what would it be?
Be yourself, no-one can do a better job of being you than you.
11. Complete the sentence: _______ is better with _______.
Tea is better with sugar. (i know right?)
To keep this fun-train going, i’d like to nominate the following blogs for the Liebster award:
Life of the John
Life – The Dani Way
From the evidence to the hope
“My life is a message”
Glasses of 8
My Extraordinary Everyday Life
My questions for the bloggers are:
1. Favorite Horror movie? if you don’t like them, why?
2. What would you do if you won the lottery?
3. Which form of public transport do you prefer? why?
4. What was you favorite holiday?
5. Have you ever been on TV?
6. What is your least favorite word?
7. In X’s and O’s which do you normally pick?
8. What is your most used word?
9. Do you believe in aliens?
10. What is your opinion on rats?
11. What is your most embarrassing moment?
I look forward to the answers, don’t forget to link all your answers back to my blog. Thank you :).