“If you posted once a year we wouldn’t like you anyway” – intrusive thought No.45612890
Something substantial has to take place for something substantial to be posted, that’s my thinking anyway. Imagine a friend who visits every single day — without fail; some novelty would be lost and there’d be nothing new to glean from conversations. Interactions would feel somewhat forceful; stale.
I didn’t go away to generate novelty; but I did leave because I didn’t miss this place. I wanted to vanish and regenerate… something, I don’t know what exactly. It was becoming boring — and I didn’t feel like I was saying anything worth saying anymore. I suppose I stopped believing in my own words at some point and just became a vehicle trying to portray a particular image.
I was always good at paying attention, but in the last few years I had become good at putting all my energy and attention into useless things. That’s what happens when you start breaking (spiritually). You either accept you’re breaking and need repair or you try and fill in the gaps with nonsense meant to make you feel better.
My birthday is coming soon. It reminded me that I was coming close to finishing a year without posting. Something in me couldn’t let that happen. Sure, I didn’t miss this place, but I did miss the people, the discovery and parts of the community that encourage each other during tough times.
I’ve been at this since 2014, and when I began this journey I genuinely didn’t think I would get this far but look where we are. Chugging along as it were.
When I left I was in the middle of fixing my life. Destroying idols and all false pretenses I had about reality. I couldn’t grow if I kept pushing inward, I had to look outside of myself to begin healing. From what? Here’s a lightning round for you:
- Self-blame
- Comparisons
- Anger management
- Loving delusions
- Creative fatigue
- Psychotic ex-girlfriends
- Superiority complex
- My new love for Warhammer 40k lore (wait, no, this is staying)
Now I’d love to say I’m back and I’ve sorted through everything and from now on all you’ll get is this pristine human being but… I’m not, I’m still messy, still prone to vengeful writing bordering on hit pieces, still quick to anger and self-indulgence lacing obscure poetry. I may not (through the course of time) agree retroatively with what I say, but in the end it will be true (experientially) in the moment.
And something tells me none who follow me want a watered down version of anything; personal or otherwise. Most of my friends on WP and IRL really loooove that tea …
– O.D. ©2026
Art by: Sakermazov
After the credits:
— Also, there is just sooo much AI everywhere, it’s getting unbearable. The way AI uses hyphens so much annoys me ’cause I love hyphens. I’ve been using them for so long to mimic the nature of cuts in sequence. But now, well, let’s just say when I submitted my work a few months ago my writing was flagged as AI. Ladies and gentlemen, you have no idea how mad I was. I also had a mini existential crisis lol.
It’s becoming increasingly hard to find digital artists that don’t use AI (to promote on my posts) so forgive me if the image I use has been altered by AI, some artists omit that fact from their work. I’m guessing cause it doesn’t look good on ones CV.
Another thing: I stopped paying the subscription to keep ads off my site, so you might come across those. I don’t really plan on changing that any time soon; if ever. Let’s see if I can build momentum first. I don’t recommend we hold our breath though.
Another, another thing: We have achievements now!?
O.D. 